A view from my little corner of the world.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

A rant about men, dating, sex, lies and possibly money...

What?! Did you think I was going to also say "videotape"?! Get serious people. And then go do what I've done. Go get yourself a LIFE, godforbid you should also have fun while doing it.

Things are changing in my world faster than you can say motherfucking sonofabitch. Fortunately, most of these changes are for the good. Only one or two for the bad, so I still think I'm coming out ahead.

Homelife: Check! Kids and various pets running all over the place.

Worklife: Check! Still plugging away at that SoulCrushingJob. Possibe pay raise may be in the works. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Friends: Check! Got friends, will travel. Keep your friends close and your girlfriends closer. I love my girlfriends. They help keep me sane. This s a GOOD THING, because if I didn't have girlfriends, I'm pretty sure I'd have killed someone by now.

Dating: Check! Dating is not for the faint of heart. Some days you have to be prepared to defend yourself from the very worst of all dates, namely, OctoMan. This is the man, who, if given the chance to walk one to one's car after dinner, will proceed to grow what seems like 17 arms, with a HAND at the end of each. Said hands then proceed to attempt the OfficialGropingManuver.

This manuver is only successful if he is able to temporarily distract the woman by, say, pointing to a convenient JEWELRY STORE. OctoMan will attempt to touch Unmentionable Womanly Places, namely, MYFUCKINGBREASTS. ggggrrrrr... Assholes.

Attempting the groping manuver is a sure-fire way to never hear from me again. Groping manuvers should only commence after, say, the third or fourth date, after MUTUAL attraction has been established, and a full background check has been completed (on YOU). You get major points off for trying to reach for my tonsils with your tongue, scooter.

I am not frigid. I am a beautiful, sexy, independant, hot blooded woman. I also happen to be in total control of myself. Here's the deal. (pay attention, note taking is encouraged) I don't know you, but I know me. I can guarantee you that I love ME way more than you at this point. And because I care about myself, I am not going around acting like the WhoreOfBabylon. I can also GUARANTEE you that I am not nearly as "hard up" as you are. If you're that damn desperate, hire a prostitute and leave me the hell alone. I am NOT an EasyLay.

And while I'm on the subject of dating, here's one more thing to think about. I may go "OOP" (out-of-pocket) with my girlfriends or my LIFE, because I have one, but if you don't call me for a month, do us both a favor. Don't call me. Period. If you do manage to pull your head out of your ass long enough to call me and it's been longer than 4 days since I've heard from you, then I can promise you, I won't know who you are, I will have forgotten about you just THAT FAST.

RANT OVER! You may now return to your regularly scheduled programmning.
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