Holland! Whores! Drugs!

I had you at "whores", didn't I? Opening the above link will take you to a seriously funny page of "Hollandaise" over to your left at HollandFaq. While it may not get you into trouble if you click on it while at work, the amazing number of pages that this particular page can take you to may get you into deep shit. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I am now planning my summer vacation for next year. I'm also searching Ebay for red lights, as I'm thinking of installing one over my very own door. Do HollandaiseWhoors make good money? I have no idea. I'll let you know just as soon as I figure out what a "Euro" is. I used to know what a Franc was, and a Pound (I have plenty of those!) but thanks to some European Dillydallying, they've gone and fucked with the currency.

Seriously, using the money exchange at any bank is easier than trying to figure out if 345 Euros per hour makes for a cheap or expensive lay in Amsterdam. And coffeehouses!! They don't sell Actual Coffee! Who knew? When I get over there, they better have a big assed Starbucks SOMEWHERE or I'm gonna be one cranky tourist.

A rant about men, dating, sex, lies and possibly money...

What?! Did you think I was going to also say "videotape"?! Get serious people. And then go do what I've done. Go get yourself a LIFE, godforbid you should also have fun while doing it.

Things are changing in my world faster than you can say motherfucking sonofabitch. Fortunately, most of these changes are for the good. Only one or two for the bad, so I still think I'm coming out ahead.

Homelife: Check! Kids and various pets running all over the place.

Worklife: Check! Still plugging away at that SoulCrushingJob. Possibe pay raise may be in the works. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Friends: Check! Got friends, will travel. Keep your friends close and your girlfriends closer. I love my girlfriends. They help keep me sane. This s a GOOD THING, because if I didn't have girlfriends, I'm pretty sure I'd have killed someone by now.

Dating: Check! Dating is not for the faint of heart. Some days you have to be prepared to defend yourself from the very worst of all dates, namely, OctoMan. This is the man, who, if given the chance to walk one to one's car after dinner, will proceed to grow what seems like 17 arms, with a HAND at the end of each. Said hands then proceed to attempt the OfficialGropingManuver.

This manuver is only successful if he is able to temporarily distract the woman by, say, pointing to a convenient JEWELRY STORE. OctoMan will attempt to touch Unmentionable Womanly Places, namely, MYFUCKINGBREASTS. ggggrrrrr... Assholes.


Attempting the groping manuver is a sure-fire way to never hear from me again. Groping manuvers should only commence after, say, the third or fourth date, after MUTUAL attraction has been established, and a full background check has been completed (on YOU). You get major points off for trying to reach for my tonsils with your tongue, scooter.

I am not frigid. I am a beautiful, sexy, independant, hot blooded woman. I also happen to be in total control of myself. Here's the deal. (pay attention, note taking is encouraged) I don't know you, but I know me. I can guarantee you that I love ME way more than you at this point. And because I care about myself, I am not going around acting like the WhoreOfBabylon. I can also GUARANTEE you that I am not nearly as "hard up" as you are. If you're that damn desperate, hire a prostitute and leave me the hell alone. I am NOT an EasyLay.

And while I'm on the subject of dating, here's one more thing to think about. I may go "OOP" (out-of-pocket) with my girlfriends or my LIFE, because I have one, but if you don't call me for a month, do us both a favor. Don't call me. Period. If you do manage to pull your head out of your ass long enough to call me and it's been longer than 4 days since I've heard from you, then I can promise you, I won't know who you are, I will have forgotten about you just THAT FAST.

RANT OVER! You may now return to your regularly scheduled programmning.

Now accepting applications.... Apply within..

Must be older than me, not married, no girlfriends or fiance's, self sufficient, independant, able to wash own laundry, make own bed, clean own house and cook own meals. Any children must be grownups and therefore not able to interfere with relationship. If you're still raising kids, get back to me when they leave the nest, skippy.

Must be kind, caring, compassionate, able to mix drinks at the drop of a hat, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.. wait.. different program..

Must have a sense of humor. Must be able to laugh and play. Must have sufficient time for laughing and playing. Note: sufficient time does NOT mean Halftime or commercial breaks.

Must enjoy watching Greys Anatomy or be able to pretend to do so. Must understand when I cry at the end of every episode. Note: tears stop when diamonds appear, I'm just sayin'...

Must have a zest for life, a yen for wickedness and be available nights, weekends and holidays. Must take me shopping at my favorite Toy Store. To do this requires wearing dark glasses and long trench coat. Be prepared to use your credit cards.

Must have sufficient time and resources to pay proper attention to moi. Must know that my favorite color is Diamonds. Must be available for relationship and not a "playa".

Must NOT: Hunt, fish, own a four wheeler or anything that requires Big Mud Tires. Mother must be deceased. Must not be a redneck. God save me from rednecks. I have had it UPTOHERE with rednecks.

Must NOT be from The Delta or anywhere else that requires travel outside of the tri-county area. I'm not burning rubber for ANYBODY. The only exception to this rule is if you supply the transportation (titled in my name) to a shiny new Mazda Miata convertible.

Must NOT be jealous. Or nit-picky. Or juvenile. Or selfish. Or want children or ANYMORE children. The babymaker is permanantly closed. Must not use Grecian Formula or any other hair coloring products. Your own hair (if you have any) will be sufficient. Must understand that I will be the major consumer of hair products, not the other way 'round. Must not be "fussy".

NO FREAKS NEED APPLY.

To apply, please submit a resume listing experience, 15 references, credit score and valid certificate of divorce and mothers death certificate. References and background checks will be done and mothers death confirmed. A reference from Juniker Jewelers would also be helpful.