A view from my little corner of the world.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Well whaddya know

They say that pregnant women and women who have been properly made love to have a certain "glow" about them. I am not pregnant. By Saturday afternoon, however, I must have been glowing in the dark. And grinning my fool head off. One of my 16 year old daughter's little friends remarked "your mom's cute". Now that made my day. I mean, as much as it's possible to have a 16 year old boy compliment you and have that make your day. I told Jess to tell him I was older than dirt and had cellulite. Laughing as I drove away.

Now just WHO is the mystery man? No mystery to me. One day I might direct him to this blog and so I'd better not name any names. This man, for purely selfish reasons, and also to protect his privacy, will be referred to as "The Yard Boy". Yard boy as in, sometimes a girl just needs to have her "lawn".. um.... "mowed". Yeah, that's it, I just needed to have the grass cut.

Complicating matters is the fact that I love him. Oh boy. Well, it's not a head-over-heels kinda love, not anymore, anyway. It's more like a, "Damn, I love him but I know it'll never work out" kinda love. And as much as it makes me so very happy to see him, it makes me that much more sad to know it is not going to work out in any way shape or form. I may never even see him again but if I do, I can guarandamntee you I'll have a big smile on my face. And then I'll knock him naked, whynot. So why torture myself? Why, indeed. When have I EVER made sense? Don't expect me to start now, when I have such a lovely track record of not making any kind of sane, sensible sense in my entire life.

I'm not really feeling tortured, you know. Just sad, knowing that, you know, if anyone we knew found out that saturday night I made his eyes roll back in his head, well, there'd be hell to pay. From his mother. From his son. And lets not forget all of his friends. Not to mention my mother and family. WHAT?! Did you think I was going to say his WIFE??? Oh hell no, he's not married. No girlfriend (as far as I know). He is gainfully employed and is a hard worker, not prone to excessive drinking and certainly doesn't do drugs. Not to mention the fact that he is SEXY AS HELL. And he has Good Hair. And he can dance. And I like to sit in his lap. And he is GREAT in the bedroom. And he has a cute butt.

So why wouldn't it work out long term between us? Well, since certain people (like his mother, for instance) are still among the living, just trust me on this. Ain't gonna happen, sister. Suffice to say, she would undoubtedly throw the Mother Of All Fits (and feel justified in doing so, no doubt) and it certainly doesn't help matters to know that she would, in fact, be more than just a little bit justified. I doesn't help my ego knowing this. Or my self esteem. Or my feelings. Or my sad little heart.

Sometimes in life, some very bad things may happen to some of us (me), and sometimes... it's no more than what we deserve. And sometimes in life we are totally misunderstood and screaming for help and waaaay outta control and scaring the living shit outta everyone (and ourselves) and completely terrified and nobody understands. Nobody. And the worst part is when they don't even want to understand you because, in the end, they never really cared all that much about you to begin with. And sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

Long story short, I did some Bad Stuff, and then he did some Bad Stuff, and his mother came down on his side. No surprise there, I mean, she is HIS mother, right?. No going back, can't get a "do-over" on this one. So here I am. Yes, this is one of those "If you had it to do all over again, would you do something different" kinda things and the answer is YES YES YES I would do everything different. Well, everything in my power, which, unfortunately for me, for us, there are just some things in life that you cannot control. My brain being one of those things.

Now that my brains are, figuratively speaking, "wrassled into a box" or at the very least sort of under control, I have some clarity. And it sucks. And since the only person I control (most of the time, HA!) is me, I have spent the past two days torturing my elliptical machine. Working out angst, I guess you'd call it. It's healthier than stuffing my face with taquitos and margarita's and getting PHUKING SMASHED. Not nearly as enjoyable, but healthier, nonetheless.
free real estate websites

Check me out!